I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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