grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
