So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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