So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
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I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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