Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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