I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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