Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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