but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
