do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
