great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
