My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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