Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize