just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
