Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
