I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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