my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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