the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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