the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
