He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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