woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
