I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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