Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
