theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
