I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
