Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
