A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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