Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
