I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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