we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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