My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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