dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
