Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i think im in europe. pls send help
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
