im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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