i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
