Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
