My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
