last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
