Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
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So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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