on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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