Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So vagazzling was a success
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
