I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
