I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
