Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
