I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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