Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
