Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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