i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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