When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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