So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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