i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
