I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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