Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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