Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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