if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
