I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
